Bicycles are cool. You probably did not know that. Or, you are on a pilgrimage to try to figure that out. It IS a question after all, and a quest. What things are cool, and what things in life are not. Hangnails are not, nor are utility bills. We all know that burritos are cool or Pearl Jam is cool (duh, are you all daft or something?), or Oatmeal is far superior to waffles. Unless, of course we are talking about Belgian Waffles - those things rock. I wonder if there is a way to combine Belgian Waffles and Oatmeal into the most superior of breakfast foods? Some of us even suspect that celebrity worship is cool (that would be wrong of course). Although, Pearl Jam is kind of a celebrity so that is hard to reconcile. But, if your radio dial is sort of stuck on Pearl Jam radio, it is kind of hard to deny. You do realize that Pearl Jam radio plays Pearl Jam 24/7 (unless they are playing Mother Love Bone or another Pearl Jam derivative - but who is counting), didn't you?
From where I sit, it is all related. Eating your 20th burrito for the year and the fact that bicycles are cool. Way better than something like a unicycle, as they only have 1 wheel. (Although I was in Madrid one time and saw a unicyclists on one that was about 3 meters tall...I had to admit that was pretty cool.)
This is not a rental laptop I am typing on, this is privately owned.
So, since you are wondering what you are doing here reading this, I will not delay any longer. Here are my top 7 of the well documented 87.6 reasons that bicycles are cool.
1. Tan lines. Good tan lines are sort of a badge of honor. Like shaving your legs, or owning a heart rate monitor. It lets everyone know that you are a cyclist. It allows you to see another cyclists in the grocery store and give the little head nod, "Yep, I see you cyclist dude or chick, I am with you." Even though you may look like an easter egg in a swimsuit, it is a price that is worth paying. Score 1 for cyclists.
2. Shit Cyclists Say. Enough said.
3. Jens Voigt. There really has never been a cooler person. He is a cyclist, so there you have it, cyclists are cool people and cool people are cyclists. Good god man, there is actually an app for sale at iTunes that allows you to play a bunch of cool things that Jens has said in interviews over the years. Go download it, and amaze your friends with your knowledge of all things Jens. Not only will the glow of cool that is Jens rub off on you, but you will be keeping Apple in business as they are not making enough money off of iTunes these days. Does anyone even buy CD's any longer?
4. Porlandia. It might be just about the funniest show there has ever been. I know that is a stretch to say that it makes cyclists cool. I do not really care, it's funny and I wanted to find a way to get that point across. In fact, you might actually assume that this whole blog post is just so that I could give a plug to the show Portlandia. Might be. I am not saying.
5. Bike Racing. I actually come from the school of "If It Has Wheels, It Should Be Raced". It is a small school, one that most people have not heard of. Just outside of Somewhereville. I respect anything with wheels being raced, from lawnmowers to Nascar to GP motorcycles to rollerblades to... You get the picture.
But, bike racing tops them all. The sight of Aaron Gwin shredding a downhill or Fabian Cancellara attacking the cobbles, is the making of legend. There really isn't anything cooler. Some people have tried to tell me that there are other things cool in the world. There probably are, but they are frankly for other people.
6. My garage. There are exactly 24 bicycles in my garage. The only reason there are not 25, is no more hooks (I am kind of a neat freak about my garage). I think a person should have lots of bicycles. You might think that I am boasting, but I am not. In fact, I have friend that has 30 bicycles. I have another friend that has 6 in his living room. Having 24 in your garage is nothing.
But, bicycles are the kind of thing that you just cannot have too many and you can fit quite a few of them in pretty small spaces. Just think if I had 24 motorcycles and the size of garage that would require, not to mention the size of garage that would be required if I had 24 cars (not sure who would actually want 24 money pits, but hey...). I could actually identify with having a garage of that size, but keeping the floor clean would be too much work.
7. It is hard to frown while riding a bicycle. You can frown big time in an automobile, I know - I've done it. But, unless you have just fallen down and are riding yourself back home to go to the doctor to get stitches, you generally do not frown when riding a bicycle. Even if you were riding to get stitches, you generally are not going to be frowning about that ride a week later. Trust me, I have gotten plenty of stitches and plenty of casts on broken bones, I continue to frown about a few different car rides.
So there you have it, bicycles are cool, they get you outside, you meet cool people, you learn to blow a snot rocket, you can collect lots of bicycles and they will make you happy. I think that pretty much proves it, a bicycle is a way better present than a football.
Out,
Joe
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