Like countless other offices across the country at this time of year, Trek is subjected to the good-natured underhandedness that is the spirit of Secret Santa. Some Santa's relish in their role as a winter gift-bearing fairy and, unfortunately, others freeze up like the late blooms of Wisconsin fall excusing themselves from their obligations with the I've-got-so-much-going-on-during-the-holiday-seasonisms. The victims of poor Secret Santa form? The unknowing and ungetting targets of this behavior whose only true crime was that their name was plucked from the hat at just the wrong time. It's amazing how much Secret Santa mimics real life in that respect. Many have Secret Santa confused with Black Christmas. Secret Santa is a tradition of joyful sneakiness and fun (if not off-beat) gifts of treats and trinkets. Black Christmas is a scar upon the face of the season where the object is only to find the worst possible gift that $5-$10 can buy. Albeit no less fun, the two should never be confused and people engaging in such activities should know exactly what they're signing up for.
Last week I returned from lunch to find my first gift of the season. Imagine my excitement when i saw the top of a green glass bottle, it's gold cap glinting in the overhead flourescent light, it's indiscernible gold label beckoning passers-by to consume its contents. I rushed to my desk, for oh what microbrewed deliciousness had my formerly absent Santa brought me? I had to look again, there was no way I was seeing what was truly there. Was this some kind of sick joke? It didn't make any sense. Why, oh why, would my Santa, hailing from the great brew state, leave me a bottle of O'Douls? I fumbled for the answer and looked down upon my depressingly alcohol-free "gift" and noticed there was something else. A rubber replica of the mascot of my beloved Wisconsin Badgers? I turned the object over and read the words i'll never forget. "Mild Chedder" was all that was written on the back of the proud symbol of my alma mater. My Santa had given me O'Douls and a Bucky Badger made of cheese.
I realize that by writing this post I am subjecting myself to future mistreatment by my dark-hearted "gift" giver but I am submitting this for the greater good. This experience lead me to think about the worst gifts ever received. I decided (like all bloggers) to make a list of what I feel are 5 of the worst gifts possible. Feel free to chime in with your own as I could only come up with the top five:
5. Pink Bunny Suit
4. Thrift Store Underwear
3. Grocery Store Coupons
1. A Gun Rack