Dear General Tso,
Allow me to begin by saying, I am a huge fan of your chicken and have laid waste to many a tasty dish.
That being said, I must address something that has been troubling me as of late. Although your fame seems pervasive across restaurants nation (and perhaps world) wide, I have found it near impossible to find any evidence as to your military credentials. I dare say, my good sir, that I am beginning to highly suspect that you may have never existed at all. Where do you get off? There are many hardworking cooks across the world’s militaries and I doubt that any were as brash as you to have given yourself the title of "General". Even Colonel Sanders, whose highly addictive mix of herbs and spices also has a claim to greatest faux-high ranking military man created chicken-based dish, was only able to rise to the rank of Colonel. Yet, you somehow were able, during all of your great military exploits, to find the time to concoct a dish whose spicy level could be labeled mild, medium, AND hot? Suffice it to say that if I were to serve under your command I might find myself doubtful as to the success of our mission despite being full of your yummy chicken goodness. I wonder if your chicken was the only thing that kept many of your soldiers from going AWOL which would explain why you had to bring it to another level of deliciousness.
Furthermore, I must address the lack of consistency as to the quality of your invention. While I have found that the quality is highly suspect when served in buffet format, conversely, when ordered a la carte, your chicken is near invincible. I would think that a great leader such as yourself would demand the same level of consistent excellence from the preparation of your dish as you do for those who serve under your command which leads me to believe that you may not have been "general material". Until my questions are answered in finality I hereby demote your ranking to that of Chief Warrant Officer. I will now have to explain to all of the Chinese restaurants in the greater Madison area that I will have the Chief Warrant Officer Tso’s Chicken, spicy, with Crab Rangoon.
Best wishes on your continued militaristicaly-based culinary endeavors,